


A Much Greater Hunger

by titaniumplatedspine



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Child Neglect, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Simon vs. food, Simon vs. recovery, Simon vs. the truth about his parentage, Soft Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 21:53:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18819751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/titaniumplatedspine/pseuds/titaniumplatedspine
Summary: Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. -Mother TeresaWhat happens to Simon, when he's no longer the Chosen One?





	A Much Greater Hunger

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time, my children lived primarily with their biological mom, someone who didn't feed them, and didn't give a damn about their well being. Years before that, my husband lived in foster care after his stepmother's abuse came to light. Even before I knew them, I spent summers at my grandmother's house, along with a herd of foster children who came from terrible backgrounds (and 13 of whom were legally adopted throughout the years). 
> 
> Sometimes the story ends well. My children now live safely and happily primarily with my husband and I. My grandmother, while hardly a saint, was at least decent. Sometimes it doesn't. My husband ended up back with his mother, but after she passed away he returned to other abusive family members. 
> 
> Simon's mannerisms, especially regarding food, reminded me a lot of some of my family. And so we have this story. There are mentions of past child neglect and abuse, but nothing graphic. I thought Simon deserved some closure, and a happy ending.

Simon was four the first time he was punished for being hungry. 

His carers at the time were older. The husband went to work early, and demanded silence after work to unwind with his beers and his programs before he fell asleep just after supper. Simon was the only child there at the time, and it meant he went to bed early too. Any noise loud enough to disturb the man meant punishment for Simon, and he learned quickly to be quiet, rarely seen and never heard. For a child who barely spoke it was harder than it should have been, but he was mostly successful. He managed to avoid most of the old man’s terrifying yelling and the hard smacks across his cheek, accented by sharp nails from the woman who insisted he call her Mom. The problem was that Simon’s “mother” liked to sleep in, and the hours between dinner and breakfast dragged on and on endlessly for a little boy. By the time she woke in the mornings to feed him, Simon was ravenous and vibrating with the need to be out of bed.

The extra energy made breakfast a disaster. Simon wanted to be running and doing everything at once, excited to finally speak after the hours of enforced silence, and often ended up spilling his food, or making a mess some other way. His mother was often tired and quickly frustrated by his energy, losing her temper and screaming at him to just shut up. He learned to eat quickly, because if he wasn’t finished when she got mad the food got taken away. That often resulted in bigger messes, and more yelling. There was no winning. 

One day, Simon woke to the familiar ache of hunger in belly, and his “mother” still snoring in the next room. He scrambled into the kitchen and decided to make his own breakfast. He was a big boy now, and maybe it would make his new mother happy if she could sleep instead of worrying about him. 

His carer found him sitting in front of the fridge an hour later, steadily opening and eating hunks of cheese and jars of jelly. Her screeching made him cry, and the swats across his back side left marks that lasted all day. His stomach cramped all morning, and he wasn’t fed lunch after getting into the fridge. The fridge was locked by that night. Simon was gone to a new home by the weekend. 

==

The first meal at Watford had been a revelation, and Simon had grown to a healthy weight for the first time in his life while he was at school. He hadn’t been prepared for what would happen when he left. 

His carers that summer were exceptionally crowded. Some kind of mistake in the paperwork meant there were too many kids and not enough beds. Simon ended up sleeping on the couch, or an airbed on the floor for most of the summer. It was tiresome, especially after the comparative luxury of his room at school, and he missed the privacy of having his own space, but he had slept in worse conditions. 

Worse, the home just wasn’t equipped to feed that many people at once. The stove was small, only half sized in the small kitchen. It couldn’t even hold a proper sized baking dish. There was never enough food for a second helping, barely enough for a first. The carers, in an attempt to make sure everyone was fed, kept a closet of snack bars to eat between meals, but they were locked up and closely monitored. The old dishwasher never seemed to really clean the dishes, and for some reason they never had any spoons anywhere in the house. Simon lost more weight that summer than he had gained the previous school year, but his clothes still fit too tight around his torso. He longed for sour cherry scones more than anything while he laid on the couch at night, stomach grumbling and keeping him awake. 

That's when Simon started to teach himself not to miss anything. 

==

Simon always arrived at school a little too skinny, just a little too pale, bags under his eyes left over from restless nights in whatever home he’d been in. It took at least a month for him to recover, physically at least, but he never stopped being hungry. He ate more than his fill at every meal, at tea, any chance he had. Sometimes he didn’t even realize he was eating, but if there was food present he was going to consume it. He still ate too fast, messy, rushing to get as much food as possible before it was taken away. It was worse near the end of the year when he tried to eat as much as possible to fortify himself for the summer months that followed. Penny clucked and handed him napkins, Agatha cast her eyes aside like she was embarrassed to even look at his poor manners. Baz watched Simon eat, sneering as always, and Simon sneered back. But sometimes, when Simon came back to their room, Baz would be gone and there’d be a plate of sour cherry scones waiting on Simon’s bed.

==

When all was said and done, when the Humdrum was gone, the Mage dead, and they had finally been left alone in Simon and Baz's tower room, Penelope began to pace. Simon hadn’t spoken, drained and exhausted in a way he'd never been without his magic. His wings were in the way no matter how he tried to lay on his bed, and eventually Baz had pulled him into his lap to stop the fidgeting. It was nice, and with Baz's fingers in his hair he could relax, maybe he could even sleep. It took a nudge from Baz and another slow thinking moment to make Simon realize Penelope had been talking to him. 

“Wha?” was all he managed to say, curling tighter into Baz's body. Baz was still cool to the touch, but Simon felt it more than he ever had before. It even gave him the slightest chill, but not enough, never enough to make him pull away from Baz 

“I said,” Penny said again with a roll of her eyes, “that maybe we could blame your appetite and terrible table manners on the Humdrum. The Humdrum was a giant hole, but it was your hole. Maybe the million scones you ate was a subconscious attempt to fill it.”

Simon, too sleepy for this conversation could only muster up a faint, “Can we please stop calling it my hole?” 

Baz ducked his head to hide a snicker and faint blush in Simon's curls. Simon tuned his head to nuzzle gently against Baz's cheek, before settling back into his lap for another nap. Baz smiled softly, and Penny made a face at their sappiness. Useless, both of them. 

==

It only took until dinner time for Penny's theory to be proven wrong. 

Dinner had been delivered to their room, and Simon ate as relentlessly as he ever had, devouring twice as many scones as he would on a normal night. Baz arched an eyebrow at Penny from where he sat next to Simon, and she shook her head in disbelief. Maybe Simon's table manners couldn't be blamed on anything but himself. 

There were other changes though. Simon was colder now. He still ran warm, but he no longer slept with the window open every night. Sometimes, when it was chillier, he even stayed curled up under his blankets all night. Cuddling up to Baz often ended in a blanket drawn over both of them to stay cozy. 

Simon had his wings and tail to contend with as well. They were often in the way, and made getting dressed a nightmare. They often hurt after being crammed through clothes, or being bumped into all day. His balance was worse than ever, and his back sometimes ached from supporting the strange growths. Sometimes, when he was really sore, Baz could convince him to lay on his stomach and let him massage the sore muscles. Normally it devolved into Baz’s hands running down his skin while he kissed every freckle and mole Simon had, but that was not-so-secretly Simon’s favorite part. 

Being separate from Baz was worse than he’d expected. He’d lived for years as Baz’s enemy, and had spent every summer alone. It didn’t seem right he’d grown this attached after a handful of kisses. Baz wanted to finish his magical studies, but Simon couldn’t stomach the idea of going back to Watford. Baz spent every weekend and holiday with Simon, even sneaking away for the occasional weeknight if he could get away with it. Simon always felt a little shakier without Baz there, a little more exposed. He couldn’t bring himself to speak most of the time, just moped in his room unless it was time to eat. Even Baz’s nightly calls couldn’t fully snap him out of it, but at least he could fall asleep with Baz’s voice in his ear. 

The nightmares weren’t exactly new, but they were definitely worse. Simon hadn’t made it through a week without at least one. Sometimes he dreamed of going off and taking all of Watford with him. Sometimes he dreamed he’d never eaten the Humdrum, that it had swallowed his magic and left him emptier than it had ever been. Sometimes he dreamed of Baz, trying desperately to burn the forest around him in his grief, and this time succeeding. Sometimes he dreamed of his old carers, only they all turned into the Mage, and instead of starving him he shoved food and magic down his throat until Simon couldn’t breathe.

==

Things got a little easier once he and Penny moved in together. Simon was doing his therapy religiously, and Penny got better every day with _These aren’t the droids you’re looking for._ Baz spent enough time in his flat that it was practically like they were living together, and Simon always slept easier with Baz there. He still could get a little on edge during the school week if they were apart for too long, and was maybe a little too clingy when they were reunited, but Baz never objected. He let Simon curl into his side, or wrap around him in bed, and never let go of Simon’s hand unless absolutely necessary.

Baz was so casually affectionate it made Simon a little crazy. Now that Baz’s feelings were out in the open, he seemed to be making up for all the time he’d pined secretly. He still teased Simon, but there was a softer edge to it. He was constantly pushing Simon’s hair back from his forehead, stroking his thumb along the inside of his wrist at the breakfast table, and leaving brief kisses along his neck when Simon passed him in the hall. It was the easiest thing in the world to just soak up Baz’s tenderness. When Penny was gone, Simon would drag Baz into his room, or onto the couch and just spend hours kissing him. More than once, they missed dinner they were so wrapped up in each other. Simon never even noticed. 

Sometimes, when Simon couldn’t sleep and Baz wasn’t around he found himself in the kitchen munching on whatever was there and ready to eat. Once he accidentally ate Penny’s lunch for the following day, and was late for his classes after making her a new one. She hadn’t been too upset, but she was careful after that to tuck her food in the back where Simon was less likely to find it. 

Eating was different than it was before (before the Mage, before the Humdrum, before he sacrificed his magic. His whole life was a before and after, and most of it felt like loss). Simon still ate the same as he always had, but the excess food had never stuck, and he was hungry again five minutes later. Now, he often felt sick after meals, bogged down and lethargic from all he’d consumed. His clothes started to fit a little tighter than they had before, and it was a relief to kick off his jeans and put on his joggers or sleeping pants after class was over. Sometimes his stomach rebelled and he laid on the couch all night, miserable and pretending to ignore the concerned looks Baz and Penny shot each other over his head. Even though his stomach was full, he still felt like he was hollow.

==

The weeks leading up to finals were the worst thing Simon had gone through since he’d ended the Humdrum. Baz unfortunately had to stay at his own apartment more to maximize study time (whenever they tried to study together Simon ended up getting bored and quickly learned a few kisses was all it took to distract Baz). Simon had done his best to keep himself together, but the itchy feeling under his skin, the one that said Baz and Penny were going to drop him without his magic came back stronger than ever. Simon started rescheduling his appointments with his therapist, than just cancelling them altogether, promising he’d pick them back up after finals. He used the time he should have been occupied with his appointments to quietly panic in his room with his books around him.

The nightmares got worse. Simon woke up every night in a cold sweat. Every time he tried to put himself back to bed, and every time he couldn’t do it. He ate whatever he could find, then laid in bed miserable, and wishing more than anything he had Baz with him. Penny was buried deep in her own studies, but she eyed him suspiciously over the breakfast table, watching the bags beneath his eyes grow larger. He lied when she asked how he was sleeping, pretending he was just studying extra hard. It resulted in a half hour lecture on healthy study habits, but the hug at the end made it worth it.

Somehow, Simon made it through finals and was rewarded when he woke up to Baz in his bed, gently dragging his nails along Simon’s scalp and watching him sleep. Simon blinked once to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, then let out the most pitiful whine he could manage, dragging himself the few inches to bury his head in Baz’s chest. He was laying on one wing, but the other flopped over both their bodies like a blanket, and Baz chuckled softly in Simon’s ear as he adjusted so Simon could lay comfortably against him. 

“Crowley Snow, you look awful.” Baz told him, kissing his temple and resuming running his hand through Simon’s curls. 

“I’m your boyfriend now, you have to be nice to me,” Simon grumbled back, wrapping himself more snugly around Baz. 

“Trust me Snow, that is being nice. Have you slept at all this past week?” Baz cupped his cheek and ran a thumb under Simon’s eye, and Simon pushed his face further into the touch, shrugging as he did so. How was he supposed to explain how much worse the nightmares were away from Baz, and not make him feel guilty and obligated to be with Simon every night. Baz had his own studies to attend to, and Simon couldn’t monopolize his time that way. Baz frowned, but didn’t say anything more. Instead he rearranged them more comfortably, and and just stroked Simon’s back until he was asleep again. 

Simon woke hours later to the sun streaming through the curtains, and Baz cursing as he zipped Simon’s suitcase shut. There was a plate of eggs and toast sitting on the bedside table, and all of his dirty laundry was missing. Simon sat up and scrubbed his eyes.

“Come back to bed,” Simon whined, reaching out from under the blankets but failing to reach his boyfriend. 

“No time. Get up or you won’t have time for a shower.” 

Simon blinked slowly, and watched Baz flit around the room throwing a few of his own things that had migrated to Simon’s bedroom into his own suitcase. 

“Do we have plans?” Simon asked slowly. He didn’t remember having plans, but he hadn’t been at his best these past couple of weeks. He thought he’d remember having plans though.

“We’re going to visit my parents for an early holiday.” 

“..we are?” Simon was sure he would have remembered something like this, but maybe he’d blocked it out. Spending time with Baz’s parents wasn’t his idea of a good time. 

Baz huffed at him, but sat on the bed and ran his hand through Simon’s hair, “I thought since Bunce was leaving today that it would be nice for us to have a nice quiet holiday here together. I managed to work it out with my parents that I come visit them early. I figure the sooner we get it out of the way, the sooner we have the flat to ourselves.”

Simon pushed his head back into Baz’s hand to encourage Baz’s attention, drowsily considering his words. Having Baz to himself, no interruptions from class, no worrying about Penny coming home to find them making out on the couch..It sounded like heaven. He thought briefly about objecting to going to Baz’s parents, but it was pointless. There was no chance he would choose to stay behind. 

He stretched out and managed to roll out of bed without tripping over his tail or smacking Baz in the face with a wing, and checked the clock.He should still have time for a shower. He took Baz in, hair still damp and already dressed, then decided he didn’t care and stretched out his hand towards his boyfriend, “Shower with me?”

Baz hesitated, and Simon pouted just a little at him, “You know I have trouble reaching my back now.”

Baz shot him a look that said he knew it was an excuse, but reached out for Simon regardless. They spent too long in the shower and had to take a later train, but it was well worth it.

==

Simon had napped on the short train ride to Oxford, content and nuzzled into Baz’s shoulder. Despite dating for almost a year, intimacies like a shared shower were still pretty rare. It hadn’t stopped Simon from dropping to his knees. Baz didn’t trust himself to reciprocate, but Simon loved his hands. Baz didn’t currently have enough blood in him to blush, or he would have been bright red every time he looked at Simon. Simon was smug up until the moment he fell asleep.

It didn’t last once they were off the train. Simon, who had always struggled with his words, and even more in the past year, didn’t speak a word after waking up. Baz tried to chat with him, but Simon answered in monosyllabic grunts and shrugs. In the taxi, Simon curled back into Baz’s side, but this wasn’t the contented cuddling of the train. This was too much like Simon after the Mage was first killed, too quiet and clinging like a scared child. Baz and Penny had been worried the holidays would be difficult for him, and it was looking like they were right. 

They took a taxi to Baz’s parents (they hadn’t lived there long enough for the taxi drivers to decide it was haunted but Baz still tipped the driver generously) and made their way inside. Simon was still quiet, but managed a short greeting to the maid who informed them Malcolm was still at work and Daphne had needed to make a quick run to the store with the girls. Baz dragged Simon to his room to settle in, not even considering putting Simon in a spare. If Daphne protested he’d put on a show of sleeping on the couch. 

They were in the middle of unpacking their clothes for the weekend (making out on the bed) when the door started to open and Baz yanked his head back to yell “Knock!” at the door. Simon squeaked and jerked back so hard from his position in Baz’s lap that he would have tumbled off the bed if not for Baz refusing to unwrap the arms he had around his waist. 

There was a heavy sigh from outside the door, then the most sarcastic sounding knock ever heard before Mordelia poked her head in, too busy glaring at Baz to bother with a flustered Simon still in his lap. Baz sneered at her and she rolled her eyes before proclaiming, “Mother said to come help with the groceries.” The door slammed behind her and Simon buried his head in Baz’s neck.

“I can’t believe your little sister just walked in on us.”

Baz snorted and rubbed one hand gently over Simon’s back before gently encouraging him to stand up, “She wouldn’t see anything if she would just learn to knock. Don’t worry about the shopping, I can handle it.”

Simon shook his head and muttered under his breath, but took Baz’s hand and followed him back down to where Daphne was working on unloading the car. Baz gave his stepmother a brief hug in greeting, but Simon couldn’t make himself meet her eyes when he awkwardly shook her hand. He was sure Mordelia had already spilled about walking in on them kissing and he didn’t want to see Daphne’s reaction to it. 

There was only a small load of groceries, and it was quick work between Simon and Baz to carry them in. Daphne was sorting and putting them away, and Simon was wondering if they could retreat from the room when one of Baz’s other sisters tugged on his shirt. He glanced down at her and she beamed and handed him a wrapped piece of chocolate. It had a frog on the wrapper, and Simon recalled seeing them in shops growing up.

“Um, thank you?” he glanced at Baz for direction, who had his own piece of chocolate twirling in his fingers. 

“Oh, she insisted on getting them for the both of you, honestly though with the price hike on these things.” Daphne shook her head, and Simon panicked.

“I’m sorry, uh, you can have it back? I mean if it was expensive.”

“Quit your babbling Snow, they’re just Freddos.”

“I just, I’ve never had one, so um, thank you.” Simon looked down and flushed. Baz had slipped closer and wrapped an arm around him, and Simon fought the urge to bury his face in his chest. He still got a little tongue tied and flustered around Baz’s family, made even worse by the fact that now he was dating Baz instead of wanting to push him out a tower window. 

“Did you need anything else?” Simon heard Baz ask, and at Daphne’s gentle assurance that she didn’t, he led Simon from the kitchen and back to his room. Simon shuddered and glanced behind him. Daphne was watching him, thoughtful and it made him almost more uneasy than disapproval would have. 

==

Simon had survived dinner, but Daphne was still acting oddly. She seemed upset when Simon passed on a third helping of food, and at one point she’d even run her fingers through his hair as she passed by. It made him uneasy. He’d been grateful to retreat back to Baz’s bedroom for the night, and was currently sprawled across his chest, wings flopped out across the entire bed. Baz had wrapped Simon’s tail around his hand, and was absentmindedly stroking it. It was weird, but in a nice way that made Simon feel sleepy and soft. 

“You’ve really never had Freddos?” Baz’s voice was soft, and Simon looked to the bedside table where both chocolate frogs sat uneaten.

“Never. I was always in care, and they always said it was too expensive for a kid like me.”

“When we go home,” and how Simon’s heart clenched hearing home so casually from Baz’s lips, “I’ll buy you a trunkful. You can have one every day, every meal if you want.”

“I don’t need a trunkful of chocolate Baz.” 

“Oh? How about a trunkful of sour cherry scones?” Sausages? Cheese sandwiches?” Baz pressed kisses over the freckles on Simon’s face, and soon Simon was giggling and relaxed against him. Baz settled in for the night, content to be slightly squashed under Simon, and ran his hand down Simon’s back until his breathing evened out and they both fell asleep.

==

Daphne continued to hover around Simon, and it was making him nervous. She gave him the best servings of food, made special treats to go with his tea, and had started giving him gentle squeezes of his hand or shoulder, and even a hug at night when she went to bed. It was making Simon incredibly nervous.

“I think she’s going to kill me,” he told Baz while they were locked away in his bedroom finishing wrapping some last minute gifts Baz had picked up for his siblings.

Baz laughed and neatly taped his gift together. The package in Simon’s hand was a mess, but he was trying his best. Baz gentle took the package with it’s mangled wrapping from him, and began working on smoothing out the wrinkled paper.

“The only one in my family who was ever going to kill you was me. Actually, I think Daphne is becoming rather fond of you.”

“She hugged me,” Simon insisted stubbornly, his jaw set in a stubborn expression Baz was all too familiar with.

“You’ve been hugged before Simon.”

“By you. By Penny. Not by..” Simon trailed off, and Baz temporarily abandoned his gift (it was going to need new wrapping entirely) to scoot closer to Simon and nudge his side. Simon sighed and settled against Baz’s shoulder, “I’ve never been hugged by a mom, not like that. It was kind of nice.”

Baz dragged him closer, and held him tight. And when they exchanged gifts that night, Baz smiled when he saw Simon shyly hand Daphne the pretty vase he’d picked out for her and the fierce hug she gave him in return. 

==  
In the morning, Penny’s mom waited for them at breakfast. She looked tired and sad, and Baz thought for sure there were tears in her eyes when she looked at Simon. Baz’s parents were in the dining room, Malcolm mutinous and Daphne worried. Mitali tried to smile and reached forward to give Simon a quick hug. Simon returned it one armed, since the other hand was clinging to Baz’s. 

“Simon,” she told him, voice breaking a little, “I think you should sit down.” 

Simon dropped woodenly into a chair, Baz standing next to him and still holding his hand. Daphne made sure the younger children were well occupied and away from the room. There was food and tea at the table but no one was eating, waiting for Mitali to speak.

She told them the Coven had been looking into the Mage. He didn’t keep any personal effects in his office at Watford, but they thought he might have elsewhere. She said they found a cottage where the Mage lived when he was first out of school. She said the Mage had a girlfriend while he was in school, and that everyone thought she ran away to California with a normal, only it turns out she’d lived in that cottage with him. She said they had a baby, and the Mage had done something terrible, trying to make it powerful. She said, “Simon, it was you.”

Simon didn’t speak, just sitting in the chair shaking. Daphne had her hands covering her mouth, and Malcolm looked enraged. Baz was frozen in shock, and Mitali just watched Simon, tears gathering in her eyes. 

Simon finally jerked forward, and let loose a gut wrenching cry. It was wounded, and desolate, and ended in a sob. Baz moved forward, but shockingly it was Daphne who was already there, wrapping Simon in her arms and murmuring softly into his hair. She looked up and met Baz’s eyes, and she was fierce and Baz remembered that this wasn’t the first broken boy she’d taken in. 

“I’ll take Simon upstairs,” she told him, “and you can talk to the Headmistress.”

Baz nodded and watched her lead Simon from the room. Then he took a breath to steel himself, and sat in Simon’s abandoned chair. His father moved closer, and Mitali wiped away her tears. 

“Tell me everything,” Baz directed.

==

Simon didn’t leave bed the rest of the day. After speaking with Mitali, Baz returned to his room to find Simon in bed asleep, head in Daphne’s lap and tear tracks fresh on his face. Baz had curled around him, and stayed there all day. Daphne popped in a few times with food, and everytime she left a kiss on Simon’s forehead. Baz was pretty sure Simon was faking slumber at times, but if Simon wasn’t ready to speak on this Baz wouldn’t pressure him. He would just make sure he was there.

Eventually, even Baz had to sleep. He woke in the middle of the night to a cold bed, and no boyfriend. He fought his way free of the blankets, wondering how far Simon could have gotten on the train, but Simon’s clothes and toothbrush were still there. Simon checked the bathroom to find it empty, then slipped out of his room to check downstairs

He found Simon in the kitchen, sitting in front of an open fridge, crying while he ate whatever leftovers he could get his hands on. He dropped to the floor behind him, and wrapped himself around Simon, catching his hands and stilling them against his lap.

“I thought you’d left,” he finally murmured into Simon’s neck, and Simon let out another weak sob, “No love, it’s all right. Come here.”

Baz worked on gathering Simon to him, and Simon collapsed into his chest. He did his best to soothe him, but Simon was inconsolable. He was curled up against Baz’s chest, and Baz heard a foot step behind him. He turned to see Daphne, and she silently picked up the food Simon had left scattered about, before joining them on the floor and wrapping Simon up from the other side. He only cried harder, while Daphne and Baz held him tighter. 

“He didn’t want me,” Simon finally managed to cry out between cries and sniffles, “He left me alone in the normal world, and didn’t even bother with me once I was at Watford. He tried to..he tried to…” Simon lost his words again, and buried his face against Baz’s chest.

“The Mage wasn’t a good father to you, Simon,” Daphne agreed, still wrapped around Simon like she could shield him from this pain, “but your mother loved you more than anything.”

That got a pause, and Simon lifted his head to peer at Daphne, “My mother? I never..”

“She left a journal Simon,” Baz told him gently, “from while she was pregnant with you. The Headmistress left it here for you. We’ve been waiting to give it to you all day.”

“So you’ve all read it?” Simon asked, and he might be a little angry, but Daphne cut him off.

“No, but Simon it’s thick, full of writing. She wouldn’t keep a journal like that if she didn’t care.”

Simon considered her words, and seemed to find them acceptable, leaning forward briefly to rest his head on Daphne’s shoulder. She kissed his temple before she stood up, reaching down to help both of them stand. Simon was still cuddled into Baz’s side, but he held Daphne’s hand too and seemed reluctant to let go.

“Can I, can I have it? My mother’s journal?” Simon asked, and Daphne squeezed his hand.

“In the morning. I’ll make you a special breakfast and bring it to your room with the journal. But for now you need to rest. You’ve already dealt with a lot today.”

Baz thought Simon would protest, but he nodded in deference to Daphne, and accepted one more hug from her before Baz led him back to their room, and tucked him into bed. They lay there in the dark, not talking, but not able to sleep. Finally Baz couldn’t take it.

“Simon?”

Simon grunted, and Baz decided it was good enough.

“When we get home, after all this, we need to talk about the way you’ve been eating.”

Simon shuddered, but he didn’t say anything, and Baz let it rest. They had a larger mess to deal with first.

==

Morning came too early, and they were woken by a gentle knock on the door. Daphne entered, a breakfast tray in hand, but Simon only had eyes for the book sitting on it. Daphne sat on the edge of the bed, and Baz took the tray from her. Simon made an impatient huff at him, and Baz rolled his eyes but handed him the book. Simon opened it immediately, and Baz and Daphne both scooted in closer to read over his shoulder. 

It was sweet, once Baz got past the weirdness of thinking of the Mage as Simon’s father. Lucy, because that was her name, had truly loved both of them, but her love for Simon was all Baz cared about. And it was clear, in every word, that Simon had been her world. They read through the journal, the horrible pregnancy Lucy had gone through, and Baz wondered at the strength she must have had to survive carrying a power like Simon. Simon read through the whole thing, never speaking, until finally he reached the end and shut it. 

“Do they...” he started, then lost his words still staring at the journal.

“They don’t know for sure what happened to her Simon,” Baz said as gently as he could manage. 

“We all thought she ran away with a normal to California. The Coven’s best guess is that she died shortly after she had you, and that’s when the Mage put you into care.”

“But why…” Simon started, then trailed off again.

“Simon,” Baz started, trying to be gentle, “the Mage was trying to fix what he thought went wrong with the ritual. I think he realized early on you were using too much magic, maybe he even knew right away that you were the Humdrum. He thought he could fix it, and that’s what he was always gone looking for.”

“You have a grandmother,” Daphne cut in, and Simon jerked his head to her, “Lucy’s mother. And even if that doesn’t work out, you have us. You’re not alone Simon. Not unwanted. Not unloved.”

The tears welled again in Simon’s eyes, and this time he reached for Daphne. She pulled him fiercely to her chest and held him as tightly as she could manage. It took a long time for Simon to calm down, but neither of them left him.

==

Baz was worried. He had decided it was best for Simon if they came home sooner rather than later, and they had returned to the flat that day, but Simon had been lethargic and mostly miserable. He had hardly ever left bed, and no food that Baz produced enticed more than a lackluster nibble. He didn’t sleep, either lying in bed staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes, or read his mother’s journal over and over again. When he did sleep, he woke up with screaming nightmares that nothing Baz did could seem to calm him from. 

Daphne had been calling at least once, sometimes twice daily to check up on them. Most times Simon didn’t speak to her, but was content to listen to her chat to him on the phone for a little while. Right after those calls were the best times for Baz to convince him to eat a little, shower, maybe even catch a short nap if he was really lucky. It was during one of those naps that Baz reached out to Simon’s psychologist, hoping for some advice and to give her a heads up for her next appointment with Simon. Her cautious non-answer about Simon’s next appointment set the wheels turning in his head, and a glance at the planner on Simon’s desk confirmed his fear. Simon hadn’t been doing his therapy for weeks, maybe even a couple months. Baz wanted to shake him until his teeth rattled, or kiss him until he forgot who the Mage even was. Maybe both at the same time. What he ended up doing was sitting on the floor of the shower under the hottest water he could stand until it ran out.

He returned to the room to find Simon awake again, staring at the ceiling, and Baz was suddenly furious. For the first time in a long time, he wanted to push, to provoke, to start a fight and fling words sharp enough to cut. He stopped in the doorway, wondering if he should even go into the room, or if he was better off going home. He was still pondering, and had actually taken a step back when Simon whimpered from the bed. 

“Baz?” came the soft whisper, and Baz paused in the doorway, but he couldn’t make himself look at Simon. “Baz? What are you doing?” This time Simon was a little louder, a little more frantic, and Baz took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before he dealt with his boyfriend. 

He didn’t get the chance to move before Simon had all but tackled him, twisting his fingers in Baz’s shirt with tears streaming down his face. Baz reacted instinctively to an upset Simon, embracing him and planting soft kisses in his hair. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't go," Simon managed to wail in between tears, and Baz's heart broke a little bit. 

"Simon, love, I’m right here, I’m not leaving.”

He thought about guiding Simon back to bed, but he was worried if they crawled back in the bed he'd never get Simon out again. Instead he gently encouraged him out to the living room, and stretched along the couch. Simon curled on top of his legs, and Baz knew they'd be numb and useless in moments. He let Simon sit there anyway, and waited for him to calm down. It took a while, but eventually Simon’s tears slowed, and he was sniffling against Baz’s shoulder. He was disgusting, and Baz adored him.

Baz had wrapped his arms around Simon as best as he could, and Simon had curled his wings around them like a cocoon. It felt warm and safe, and Baz could feel Simon relax against him. Baz relished in the first peace they’d really had in days, but he knew he had to break it. Things couldn’t continue this way, especially for Simon. 

“You haven’t had any appointments with your psychologist for weeks, Simon.” Baz finally said, and Simon tensed against him before heaving out a great sigh.

“I know. I stopped when school started getting busy, and I kept saying I’d start up again and I just haven’t.”

Baz considered this, and leaned his head against Simon’s, tracing one hand up and down his back. Simon curled up tighter against him, and buried his nose into the crook of Baz’s neck. 

“Do you want to make an appointment?” Baz asked softly, knowing that Simon really should, but not wanting to make any choices for him. Simon shrugged, and Baz waited, hoping there would be more. Simon huffed at him after a few minutes and reached out to play with Baz’s fingers.

“I don’t really want to. It still feels like I’m faking it all some days. But I think I need to. I think it was helping before.”

“I think that’s a good choice Simon.” Baz praised, with a soft kiss against Simon’s temple. Simon let out a pleased hum and shifted to snuggle more comfortably in Baz’s embrace. They’d been quiet for a while, and Baz wondered if he should bring up Simon’s eating, or if he should just quit while he was ahead when Simon spoke up so softly Baz might not have heard it without his enhanced senses. 

“Baz?”

“Yes love?”

“Would you maybe be willing to do an appointment with me? I know you don’t want to talk to her on your own,” Simon explained hurriedly, “but just to be moral support for me? Maybe help explain things? I think it would help me get back into it if I didn’t have to do it alone.”

Baz suppressed his grimace, and squeezed Simon’s hand, “Of course I will. You only had to ask.”

==

Simon, with Baz at his side, had made an appointment that afternoon. With Baz’s gentle but very firm encouragement, he’d also showered and cleaned his room, even putting fresh sheets on the bed. Baz had cooked dinner, just a light soup, and Simon finished a full bowl for the first time in days. 

Simon had fit his appointment in before Bunce returned from holiday, and it had been rough. Simon had been shaky and stuttering, and gripped Baz’s hand so tight Baz was worried he’d managed to crack a bone, but he got through it. And then he made another, and he got through that too. 

Bunce’s return ended in a lot of tears, as Simon relayed the whole sordid ordeal, Baz at his side, and that night brought another round of vicious nightmares that ended with Simon eating a half pan of leftover lasagna and throwing it all up an hour later. Baz called his psychologist for an emergency appointment, and they spent a whole hour dissecting Simon’s history of using food as a coping mechanism. 

It was the first time they’d discussed it, but it wasn’t the last. Simon had spent years using food to feel good, and it wasn’t a habit that was going away in a day. Baz and Penelope did what they could to help. They filled the fridge with healthy foods, made smaller meals so there weren’t so many leftovers, and Baz started dragging Simon out of the apartment at least three times a week for a walk after dinner. Even though the sun light was still weak and the days short, being outside seemed to do wonders for Simon’s state of mind. 

Daphne still called at least weekly, and now she’d started calling Simon directly instead of checking in with Baz. Simon was charmingly bewildered by her attention, but seemed to appreciate it. He didn’t even hesitate the next time they visited Baz’s family and she swept him in for a hug. Baz didn’t think he’d ever loved his stepmother more than when she gave Simon the mothering he had been deprived of, and fully deserved. 

Around Valentine’s Day, Simon received a letter from Agatha, and Baz wondered if he should be jealous. When Simon plopped ungracefully in his lap to read it, Baz decided it wasn’t worth the effort. He shifted so Simon’s wing wasn’t poking him in the cheek and read the letter over Simon’s shoulder. It wasn’t anything either of them could have expected. 

_Simon,_  
_Please don’t be cross with Penny, but she told me about what the Council discovered, and I thought I should send you this. Penny’s mom showed me last year when she told me about her friend Lucy who’d run away from the world of mages to California and hooked up with a Normal. I was really inspired by her story I guess, and so I stole the photo. I think you should have it now._  
_California is wonderful, and I’m really happy here. I hope you’re happy where you are too._  
_Hugs,_  
_Agatha_

Simon reached into the envelope with shaking fingers, and pulled out a picture. It was old, and featured three people in old fashioned Watford uniforms. Baz recognized a younger version of Penelope’s mother and the Mage, bracketing a figure that wasn’t familiar except in all the ways she was. Lucy Salisbury had blonde hair, and bright blue eyes that weren’t anything like Simon’s, but her hair had the the same curl, and Simon had inherited her broad shoulders and smile. 

“Oh,” Baz breathed out, “she’s lovely.”

Simon didn’t appear to be breathing, eyes fixated on Lucy’s image in his hands. The photo started to crinkle when his hands tensed, and Baz reached around him to gently tug the picture away before it was damaged. Simon’s eyes followed the photo, and Baz kept it in Simon’s lap. Simon sucked in a great breath and reached out one trembling finger to touch his mother’s face, and Baz felt a few stray tears trickle down to land on his wrist. 

“That’s really...she...Baz…” Simon stammered, unable to articulate the feelings welling up inside of him. Baz set the picture down gently on the couch next to them, and lifted Simon until he could turn him and they could face each other. He cradled his cheeks gently and touched their foreheads together, reveling in Simon’s immediate relaxation into his touch. 

“That’s your mother Simon. She loved you. She chose you, even through all the pain it put her through.”

Simon looked up at him softly from under those ridiculous stubby lashes of his, and the corner of his mouth quirked up just the slightest bit, “Just like you did?”

Baz scoffed at him, but it was clear it wasn’t serious from the smile on his face, “Yes, Chosen One. Just like me.”

Simon’s answering remark was buried under Baz’s kiss.

==

Summer holidays found them spending a week with Baz’s family, but this time the scene was different. Daphne still doted on Simon, and he thrived under the attention. Baz’s younger siblings had decided they adored Simon too, and were currently wrestling him down in the lawn behind the house. Fiona was shouting encouragement to the brats from the doorway, while Baz’s father looked disappointed behind her. Fiona had cheerfully accepted Simon into the family, and spent her days trying to make him blush with filthy jokes and offering him a drink. 

Joining Fiona in her horrid joke telling was one Ruth Salisbury. Simon had been cautious when first meeting his grandmother, but he hadn’t needed to. She’d taken to him immediately, smothering him in all the affection he could handle. They met up at least bi-weekly for tea, and Simon spent hours listening to her talk about his mother. She’d sent him plenty of pictures, and several of them hung throughout the apartment. The photo of Lucy that Agatha had first sent him had been carefully copied by Penelope. Simon had kept a copy in a photo album, not comfortable with having the Mage’s image on his wall given everything he knew now. One copy had been sent back to Agatha with a letter of thanks from Simon. The original had been returned to Penny’s mother. 

Simon still saw his psychologist regularly, only taking breaks from his appointments for a couple weeks around finals. This time he talked to Baz and Penny about it first, and started his appointments right back up. Baz still sat in with him once in a while, and Simon thought he might even be able to talk him into doing some sessions of his own soon. 

The regular appointments, the improved diet, and his and Baz’s routine of exercise had done wonders for Simon. He had mostly unlearned his habit of eating everything in sight as fast as he could in case it was taken away from him and he found that the healthier meals he prepared with Penny and Baz left him feeling satisfied in a way takeout never could have. He had plenty of energy for his classes, and he and Baz often played football at the park instead of just walking the neighborhood. He’d slimmed down just a little bit, fitting comfortably into his own clothes again (Before Baz declared his clothes awful and burned them all and bought him new ones. Simon now owned a lot of suspiciously tight pants and deep v-neck shirts). Simon felt better, happier, and it was clear to see. He smiled more, was more affectionate with his friends, and his and Baz’s relationship had finally started progressing more into the stuff of Baz’s filthier dreams. 

The world had come for Simon Snow again and again. He’d fought untold battles as the Chosen One against prophecy, magical creatures, his own wild magic, even Baz. The real victory hadn’t come by defeating them. It came on a day like today where the sun was shining and Simon laughed and shamelessly used Baz as a shield against a horde of shrieking children. It came in the evenings when Simon sprawled across the couch to study with Penny. It came in the morning, when Simon’s wings sheltered them from the morning sun, and he and Baz started the days slow, and sweet, and most importantly together. Simon Snow had survived every awful thing life had thrown at him, and for the most part he’d done it alone. Now, he had his friends, he had a family, and he had Baz. The world could keep coming. Simon Snow was going to carry on.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to tumblr user [squid-a-licious](https://squid-a-licious.tumblr.com/) for answering all my questions about the kinds of snacks Baz and Simon would have had as children.
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](https://titaniumplatedspine.tumblr.com/)


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